This is not about sandwhiches

So true and immensely thought provoking I am so proud of this kid.

The Official Blog of Meleena Collins

So, I was making 2 huge chicken + salad sandwiches for dinner. They feel like they take ages to make (I’m picky with my salad) so I always let my mind wander when I make them. I was using some roast meat left over from a recent dinner, and the plate had some veggies etc on it too so (in interest of not letting any food go to waste) mother tried to encourage me to eat the vegetables too. I looked at her like she was crazy – “you don’t put roast pumpkin on a chicken+salad sandwhich, that’s barbaric!” I thought.

Anyway, it got me thinking in a way only food tends to. Parents and older relatives etc often do a lot of things like that – it’s part of their job, right? To annoy us by saying things like eat healthier, don’t stay up all night watching TV, don’t…

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Arrgghhh!!!! TMA Stress levels.

I love Junior I really do and I love the fact that she is studying hard….BUT I HATE TMA DAYS.

TMA days for anyone not doing a university course is a Tutor Marked Assignment. 

Junior is currently studying for a degree in psychology. This is her first year and she is doing it via an open university course. much to her social workers chagrin. who believe’s my 17 year old should be going to tutorials and hanging out with all the other…much older university students.

However this last month has been really hectic for her with hospital visits, nothing major. 

But today her TMA is due, apparently this is the end of the world. This time she has to do a report…so like any other child with homework she comes downstairs screaming MOM!!!! HELP!!!!

Mom, who has no idea about the subject matter ‘just absolutely has to’ save juniors life and fix it!

God I love Teenagers!

So right now she is writing the 250 (If i’m lucky ) word part of her Essay/Report, which I will then have to turn into a beautifully turned out, concise, 1250 word report with bullet points and references on Materials I haven’t read!

And I will coz I’m mom. all the while she will yell at me berate me for doing the wrong thing and get stressed out which will be all my fault because I didn’t physically slam her in front of her computer stand over her and make her learn….it’s not her fault as when she was in school they did it all for her!

The worst part is if I have a question, I get SHHH!!! shut up don’t talk i’m reading, so I get frustrated and want to shoot something…..

Most days she is the most loving kindest daughter on the planet, Junior is tidy, (Remarkably so for a 17 year old) and Helpful at home.

On TMA days…..SHE’S A DEMON!

I swear today she is possessed and I just want to Gank her ass of whatever demon is possessing her right now and have my kind daughter back…to get that I have to turn into the human equivalent of Wikipedia!

No one said I needed a degree to become a parent of a teenager!

For all those wondering, My marine is hiding in his basement, quietly working away and weathering out the storm that is our teenage daughter until it is safe to come up again.

He is my brave and strong Marine and is scared of two things. 

Junior on TMA day and coupons….(a whole other story!)

When I’m quiet it’s scary!

Borderline personality disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type in the ICD-10) is a cluster B personality disorder whose essential features are a pattern of marked impulsivity and instability of affects, interpersonal relationships, and self image. The pattern is present by early adulthood and occurs across a variety of situations and contexts.^[1] Other symptoms may include intense fears of abandonment and intense anger and irritability that others have difficulty understanding the reason for.^[1][2] People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment.^[3] Self-mutilation and suicidal behavior are common.^[4]

That was a quote taken from Wikipedia.

The reason I post this is because I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have had it as long as I can remember and I was officially diagnosed at eighteen.

It is frustrating to live with and some days trying to be me when I can’t decide which me is the right me to be is annoying.

I want to have all the confidence of my sisters or the devil may care attitudes of my brothers but I don’t. I live with the constant fear of not being enough. Not being a good enough wife, mother, human being!

Recently I have been trying to invent me into the person I want to be, I am terrified that if I am not good enough I will be alone again….THIS IS NOT AN IRRATIONAL FEAR FOR ME!

When I was 12 I was given a plane ticket and sent away from my family, Yes I got to live all around the planet and I now speak more than one language and have lots of brothers and sisters. but I don’t have the sort of relationships my friends have with their families.

I have been told more than once that I am just tolerated rather than loved.

Although that I will admit was by my parents rather than my Marine who is without a doubt my saving grace.

Though 17 years ago the fact that My Marine truly loved me and that I was worthy of his love scared the life out of me and I ran, years of him tracking me down meant that last year we finally married. However still i find small things making me feel that I am not good enough.

My other saving grace has been writing, I come from a long line of writers and authors and was told my writing was never good enough or that I was not having original enough Ideas to be able to write. Then in November 2011 a good friend told me about fan fiction, how I could take something I was interested in and be able to join a community of like minded people and be able to write.

I gave it a go.

I love writing It is truly all I think about.  I have friends that support me whenever I get down, but every time I publish I don’t think I am good enough. The worse thing about putting myself out there and publishing my stories is that some people will find my writing and without cause find fault. I make mistakes…..Some times big freaking HUGE one’s in my writing and I have nice readers who will write me a review showing me where I went wrong, giving me the chance to correct it.

Some are just nasty, calling me names and being nasty about my work without giving just cause.

The worst one so far was where someone said my thought processes and plots are awful.

OK so you don’t like my plots…fine, that’s a valid opinion and I will accept it.

But my thought processes, That’s when the doubts and fears kick in or worse, still is the fact that for years I have hated plagiarism, Having been told I was not good enough to come up with my own Ideas when I accidentally write something that includes a name close to another name that someone else has put in theirs albeit unintentionally I panic.

I have found myself too scared to write the story that I was due to write today and too scared to post on fan fiction or twitter, something I do on a regular basis. What if I’m not good enough and I upset the friends I have on there and they abandon me, stop talking to me and I’m alone again.

I HATE THIS!

I hate that I am not good enough to write without making mistakes, I hate that I upset someone I admire….Lets face it everyone who writes on Fan fiction net are better than me and what business I have of actually thinking I can write…,..Should a stayed in the gutter where I belong.

But I can’t help it I still want to write.

The thing is that posting helps me, Good reviews help me. reviews where someone liked my work but has comments and concerns or someone who just tells me I spelt that wrong, help me.

One day I will be brave enough to look at myself in a mirror or even put a wedding picture up with myself in it.

One day I would like to be good enough, just good enough.

but maybe not today…..

Today I will go to be early and hide under the duvet as my Marine tinkers with his electrical project and has no Idea I will be hiding away the evil black demon on my back eating slowly into my psyche. Then I will hug him like my life depends on it.

some days it does….

 

Balance (Religion is all about it!)

Ok So Junior, my marine and I were in a debate this morning…

My Marine is a occasional C of E, Junior is Pagan, Muslim….whatever takes her fancy and will except her and I am a Mormon.

So as you can guess religious conversations in our house can be quite heated and lively.

Now, we got on the subject of Balance in religion, a subject I feel passionately about even though some of my beliefs contradict my faith, I have a rule.

Rule 21. Never compromise in what you believe in.

And I don’t!

Ok so here is my point.

There is balance in everything in nature, science and the universe. for example, light, dark. Matter, antimatter (Or dark Matter depending on your science.)  good, evil. wet dry…..you get my drift.

Well we start talking about God and Satan…or the devil.

I turn around and say yes this is what I mean, God and Satan HAD to be equal counterparts and Lucifer Cannot be the devil he was (The morning star an Angel of the lord.) that ‘fell’ from heaven. This does not make him the DEVIL.

This makes him the counterpart to Jesus. Jesus being all that is good the man who had no flaws and made the ultimate sacrifice for humanity. where as Lucifer was the fallen angel and the second in command of Satan and the one who ultimately is around to destroy humanity. THIS DOES NOT MAKE HIM SATAN!

My Marine whom I love dearly and am not going to upset as he has what we call his souvenir from service and we had a bad day yesterday. Thinks I may have a point but thought it was funny that I didn’t just subscribe to my religions’ doctrine although since Serving for his Country he feels if he can’t see it it doesn’t exist. 

Junior thinks I may have a point, but it is the middle of her night (She’s 17 and really doesn’t care) so she’s just rolled her eyes and glared at me….(Wow looked just like my husband when she does that!) and headed back to bed.

So I thought I would put my point out there. I’m not sure if it makes much sense but that is what is going around my head right now and I thought I’d share. If it doesn’t make sense please ignore me PTSD is an awful thing to spend the night dealing with. but I love my marine and wouldn’t trade a second with him.

 

 

The Calm before the storm.

It is quiet around here right now…

Even with a teenager in the house this doesn’t happen very often, I am feeling wary.

I have done the laundry, written a fan fiction chapter, ordered dinner, looked after my poorly Marine, (Not a good day for him today), Spent time with Junior, helped out my little brother AKA Probie….Probester….the probinator….(You get where i’m going with that right?)

cleaned up after the puppy….(YUK!)

Ever rescued one of our 3 cats, (Thackeray Binx!) from the rain.

Yet I sit here not feeling as proud as I did a while ago.

Yes I have accomplished much compared to yesterday when I wrote a chapter of Requiem for the boy on Fan Fiction, whilst feeling like I had a 17 tog Duvet on my head, minor migraine. and I cooked a ok Chinese as Junior made prawn crackers, (Needs a blog of it’s own that!)

But still I worry. 

Junior’s boyfriend,( yes my lovely bi-sexual teen has an awesome boyfriend at the moment…I like this one) has gone away for a week, he is her major contact with the outside world due to her Agoraphobia, (Not the fluffy bunny kind!) and she is feeling a bit low but still as happily her as a teenager will get.

Probie has gone off home teaching, he like myself is a Mormon and it is part of our religion to teach other members of the church, it’s kinda like fellow-shipping, but with less booze, tea and coffee and more long words. 

My Marine languishes in his sick bed, tossing around with the idea of going to the emergency room or not…..waiting to see what he decides….which knowing him will be as soon as dinner arrives.

And I am worried.

Drama is not my friend (Neither is superglue….that’s another blog.) but it is something I get on a regular basis and something I am used to. This calm before the storm worries me, more so because I worry about the health of my Marine.

We have only been married 7 months and three days and I would like to be married a bit longer. I would never let him know this worries me as he would be devastated, I knew about his illnesses and his souvenirs from Serving when I married him, that isn’t the problem, I worry about losing him too soon.

I know for everyone death is too soon, but for the first time I have people I love and people I would miss….that scares me.

but like a good Marine wife, I will deal with it and cope and feed my awesome family….and maybe leave some leftovers for Probie……or not!

Taking a deep breath and getting out my wallet for Pizza now.

Stay low.

 

Wisdom of a 4 year old

Definitely Recommend this, my PA’s little boy is a regular genius!

pinkhyenas

So I’m walking to work with the little one, and he sees a waste disposal collection vehicle (rubbish truck/bin lorry) and suddenly declares “bin men (waste disposal operatives) have got a very important job. If they didn’t do their job, where would our rubbish go?” Then he falls silent, quite obviously cogs are a turning in his cute little head. “Cleaners are very important too…” Yes, I agree, what other jobs are important? I ask. “Growing food is very important, prob-ly the most important job in the world. Coz without farmers we’d have no food and we’d all die!” he exclaimed.

This gets me thinking, all those people out there who have/aspire to ‘high flying’ careers, are they really necessary jobs? Well, the little one believes the most important jobs are growing food, cleaning and removing rubbish…. And I agree!

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Superglue is NOT my friend.

I as usual, or unusually for someone who has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) woke up in an awesome mood.

I will admit since marrying my Marine, my moods are generally good, when a dark one slips in I slip off to my laptop. And write fan fiction…Hey it keeps me happy and no one has to read it….although I love it when people do….Nice reviews help too.

So this morning, my Marine is cleaning out a box he’s had since before his last deployment and goes here you are you can have it for your make up.

It’s dark…it’s battered….it’s perfect.

So I fix it up………..(STUPID!) (Got told that in a review once….maybe they were right)

At least when it comes to super glue I am stupid!

Not only do I fix the part of the box that needs it I manage to superglue my nails to my fingers.

Now don’t look like that! Yes I know my nails are already attached to my fingers, but I managed to attach the nails of my left hand (Yep I’m a southpaw!) to my right hand so there goes my nail varnish and my ability to form a proper sentence with more than one finger.

So writing was out this morning.

I like I do tweeted my predicament, knowing full well, I would make one person….a certain tennis watching football fanatic who loves NCIS:LA (Great taste!) laugh her face off. and After a bit more explanation sure enough she laughed. Also My PA….Yep I have an awesome Personal Assistant….(Her blog is PinkHyenas) who was out shopping with My Marine…Fell about laughing in the aisle of the supermarket and promptly went and picked up nail polish remover.

(Now I’m not being lazy, But I HATE SHOPPING, for anything other than Tattoos, make up or hair dye!)

I don’t mind the other stuff I will cook, I have a teenager and a hungry Marine and a Probie to feed……(Stay tuned for a blog about the Probie!)

But I love Tech, and Shopping cuts into my tech time badly. and if i see a great eyeliner or a note pad or anything remotely Geeky it ends up in my basket and the bill goes up. My PA and My Marine however stick rigidly to my list and save so much more money doing it…..(Then I go shopping for Make up and tech!).

So to spare my blushes….(Never a good look on a Goth.) I shove my hands in the kitchen sink until they get back with the Nail polish remover.

I pretend to be busy washing up….if that pan had gotten any cleaner you could have seen through it.

I head back to the living room and look up to see my marine and his sexy as hell smirk as I use a cloth to take the stupid stuff off.

so I have decided….Latex gloves next time…coz Super Glue is NOT my friend!.

 

And the Visit?

Well……that was fun (Please note the HUGE amount of sarcasm dripping here…watch your feet.)

Ok so she’s new….a draftee from abroad, (Not holding that against her everyone has to be born somewhere.) But clueless OH YEAH!

For one she is talking to a teenager not a five year old. she thinks that as I am upbeat and that Junior is grumpy, (She takes after my marine and it’s the middle of her night!) that she thought  there was a role reversal thing there?

WHAT!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!! Hands up if YOU have an upbeat teenager all the time, (That isn’t a Mormon) Nope not picking on them Can’t I am one, but my grumpy teenager wants to sleep and as she has to talk to this woman she can’t go and make her coffee…

In this house Coffee is like blood…..(Hey I never said I was a GOOD Mormon)

My Marine, God bless him had done a flit to the rifle range and then on his way home the car broke down so he didn’t make it back in time.

Anyhoo, I digress, (I do that a lot, get used to it!)

So this Newly qualified (SHWNBN*) social worker. Proceeds to TELL Junior (Lesser mortals have tried and died!)

That she should go out more, she should be going to tutorial’s and starts to prod into her life.

Junior, like myself has had some bad experiences. Not something she tends to bring up when she first meets someone.

So (SHWNBN) goes up to her and starts bringing it up….Junior does a glare worthy of her father and remains silent.

SHWNBN finally gets the message and tries other things, right now Junior is suffering with a mild case of agoraphobia, (Not a fear of fluffy bunnies as I thought but a fear of going outside.) it’s not too bad she still see’s her friends and goes to important appointments but hanging out on street corners is a no no for her.

SHWNBN has a ‘issue ‘ with that.

For crying out loud woman we live in the UK gun capital, ten shootings in three months and you have a problem with junior not hanging around with a gang on a street corner!

Never mind…SHWNBN goes on….

Your mother married your father last year is that right…..er yes….your biological father?

Ok reading is not her strong point. YES!

oh yes it said so here….asks her three more times if he’s her bio dad….DUH! (Wondering at this point if Jeremy Kyle has a free slot)

OK your father has (Insert illnesses here,) as well as (And more) due to his serving abroad.

You did know that didn’t you?

well if she didn’t she bloody well does now!

(yeah she did..)

finally asks if i would step out after my enquiring about some corrective eyewear she needs and they originally offered to pay for, she has a nickel allergy and can’t wear cheap ones….that may be an issue?

That’s fine we share parenting…I’m on benefit but can put £50 towards it…Oh well we are corporate people we can’t spare anything……

OK so if she was totally in your care you’d leave her blind?

I’ll look into it…..

You do that! (More sarcasm)

Time to leave…..(Yay!)

Does she offer any contact details in case junior needs surgery or needs to contact her because her mother turns into an axe murderer and she needs a safety placement….

Does she heck, the wannabe axe murderer has to ask for them.

Then in 3 weeks we have a review meeting everyone here…….(dissolves into fits of giggles.)

Maybe Hubby will polish his Kate!

seriously it is going to be soooooo (Slips on the puddle of sarcasm) much fun.

Stay Low.

 

* She who will not be named.

 

Anticipation

Sometimes this can be a good thing….so I’m told, but today I’m not so sure.

In my last post we told you about SHE WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED (junior’s new SW), well she’s due here in an hour and ok things are fairly relaxed with an undercurrent of crazy right now.

My Marine, gotta love him, has beaten a hasty retreat and gone out for the day, who knows where? probably the shooting range, he loved Junior as much as I do, but having not been there for any of this and the fact he gets grumpy when she’s even mentioned it was safe for all that he left for the day….although he is a sniper and she…..Na……he wouldn’t…Honest!

I find myself left with a quandary, do I act like this woman’s phone call hasn’t annoyed the hell outta me and be my polite and awesome self…or do I rip her a new one for calling my child (As grown up as Junior is, she is still my child) a statistic.

My house is as you would expect spotless…with the bones of the last social worker scattered around…(Well, they are dog bones for the puppy really…but I can dream!) the cat’s are themselves decorations and Junior has dragged her nocturnal butt out of bed for this so is cackling to herself in an insane way whilst reading her friends Harry Potter fan fiction on her laptop.

Me…still jumpy, annoyed, just have four more months until shared parenting with the state comes to an end… sighs and flits between writing this and Fan fiction….

I don’t want to be judgmental….but I swear to Cass….If that woman calls me KAREN!

Social Workers.

The bane of my childhood and so far the bane of my week.

Junior has been lucky, we have needed to have a Social worker in our lives and so far all of them have treated her as a person and been lovely to work with, due to my own dealings with social workers in my past I find it imperative that my daughter get on well and trust her social workers.

Due to budget cuts, the lovely woman Junior had as a social worker has been moved on, she was lovely and still wants to pop by from time to time to visit her, they had a great relationship and I really got on well with her……..with only four months to go until the interim care order ends and she is an adult in her own right…they screw up.

No one sends a letter to inform my 17 yo of the change in status with her social workers, although her old one sent a card which is how we found out. but I get a phone call from the new one yesterday along the lines of…….

Hi my name is (Insert name here!)

I am your daughters new allocated SW for the leaving care team. I’m sorry i’m in a hurry….er, due to government statistics I need to see your child tomorrow! I do actually need to see her. (Never mind what she’s doing then!)

Having explained that Junior is studying open university and as such is up most nights as it’s when she finds it easier to study and she sleeps during the day. she agrees to see her on Tuesday afternoon at 3pm.

Good…big sigh of relief. Now lets try again!

So you want to come and introduce yourself to my daughter and get to know her?

NO…

I must insist she see’s me, I have targets to meet and It is important to government targets that I see her oh and I have an application form that she MUST fill in!

For what?

No answer….

OK then BYE KAREN,

KAREN!!!!KAREN!!!!! WHO THE HECK IS KAREN!!!!!! it isn’t me!

I have had social workers of varying degrees in and out of my life since I was 12. (Another one of those long stories….)

Never have I had to deal with someone like that and she thinks she is going to be my kids social worker….Er….NOPE!

So I ring up the CLC team.(children leaving care)

Do they have anyone I can talk to….Na….gotta leave a message.

If you wanna work with my child you had better damn well learn she is a person not a government target or a statistic!

Children in care don’t need much all they need is to know the adults in their life have their backs and even if they don’t really at least look like you care.